I know, I know. I’m late.
 
But like a mostly-absent father, I’m here after the fact with half-truth excuses and half-empty promises. A ballgame next week, perhaps, is how I’ll win back your favor. But I won’t be there. No, you’ll just be sitting on your porch, mitt in hand, like a sucker.
 
But let’s not get bogged down with those pesky details!
 
My kid got sick and I think I caught some kind of mutated version of her disease specifically engineered to make me more tired than I usually already am because I have been dragging ass this week. The good news is that I seem to be over it and I’ve got a wild hair up my ass.
 
I got my CSTVT vinyl in the mail today! Huzzah!
 
Pretty, I know. I also got the new Eisley album in the mail. Unfortunately, it’s not as pretty. I’m gay for female vocalists and even gayer for dream pop/shoegazer shit so I’ve had a boner for Eisley for a minute. Never mind the fact that they’re from Tyler, a city two hours away from me and those three foxy sisters that have starred in any number of my lewd, possibly illegal fantasies.
 
I figured the new album would be Alanis Morrisette-angry after homebro dumped Sherri for Hayley Williams (or so gossip e-rags like Buzzgrinder would have me believe!). That belief was further solidified when I heard the first single, Smarter. An ominous guitar line and snarky lyrics were all I needed to hear to prepare myself for Jagged Little Pill 2: Electric Boogaloo.
 
But Sherri is just too damn cute for that. So midway through the album it’s, “Oh, I’m really sorry it didn’t work out” instead of “I hope the guitarist from Paramore has the clap so you end up having the clap too.” Eh, it’s whatever.
 
Last week, Buzzgrinderer Sammy suggested I listen to… well, a lot of different stuff and I simply couldn’t say no to a band called Made Out of Babies. Wow. When The GF asked what they sounded like, the only way I could describe them is, “if Flyleaf had listened to Black Flag instead of Korn growing up and didn’t end up sucking ass.” I mean, it’s a bit unfair and lazy just because it’s a female vocalist with aggressive music but I stick by that description. I couldn’t order their newest album, Ruiner, fast enough. I’ll have it by Saturday on beautiful, beautiful vinyl.
 
I’ve seriously become one of those guys. Those vinyl guys. Whatever, screw you, I don’t care!
 
In honor of 2011 being Buzzgrinder’s 10th birthday, I’m going to drop a few top 10 lists on you guys. The first of which is Top Ten Frontmen I’d Do Butt Stuff With:
 
10. Axl Rose – Only because of who he was from 1987-1992. It’s kinda like banging the prom queen after she’s popped out a couple of kids just to say that you, y’know, did it.
 
9. Joe Jonas – Hey, she’s pretty foxy so why not?
 
8. Mick Jagger – I can’t be the ONLY person in the world who Jagger hasn’t been inside of.
 
7. Nick from The Famine – Get us in a room for the weekend with a couple of bottles of Maker’s and it’ll happen eventually.
 
6. Henry Rollins – HOW FUCKING INTENSE WOULD THAT SEX BE?! I’d really just want him to wrap something around my neck and ask me if I wanted to die.
 
5. David Bowie – Out of all of these, I’d say this one is most likely.
 
4. Josh Homme – I met him before a QotSA show and he is a mountain of a man. Also, I hear from Brody Dalle that he effs real good.
 
3. Jimi Hendrix – Just so the list doesn’t seem racist. But having him on just for that reason totally makes it racist. Damn it.
 
2. Jesse Lacey – I love Brand New. That’s pretty much it. Also, me and Sherri Dupree would be Eskimo siblings
 
1. Dave Grohl – Hands down, number one. Not only was he in Nirvana as well as Foo Fighters, he’s hilarious and not too shabby on the eyes. I imagine us spending our weekends listening to Bad Brains records in our sunroom.
 
Alright, little peanuts, I’ll see you next week. Suggest away!

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